I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
