i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
