Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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