He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
