ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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