My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
