Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
