I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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