It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
