I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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