how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
