Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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