I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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