It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
