Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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