Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
