You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I need to sanitize my soul.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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