Yo dont text me then not text me
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
