I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
