dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
