Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
