I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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