You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
