Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I don't deserve a penis
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
