If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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