We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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