Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
