I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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