when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
