I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
