Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am one with the molecules
My ass is underappreciated
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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