Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
