he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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