Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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