I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
