i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
