I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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