My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
