In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I DEMAND FORESKIN
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
