wanna go halves on a baby?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
