Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
