If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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