If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
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After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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