if i died would you start the facebook group?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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