Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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