you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
