Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
