Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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