One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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