I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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