Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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