hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
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There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?