Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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