I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
