If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
