why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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