Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
