I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
