His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
