How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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