i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
