My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
