At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
