and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
