Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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